Once again, the sky has darkened and night has settled. And once again a feeling has crept up within me.
A feeling which gnaws at my very being... As if the very essence of my life is trapped within my ribcage and is trying for all it's worth to make its way out. And all I want to do is rip my chest open and scream it all out, release it and let it be free. Let me be free...
I can feel it now even as I'm writing, as if there is inside my chest which has a life of its own and all I can do is twist and turn in my bed. Hoping I'll finally fall asleep before I go insane.
Usually I can keep it in somewhat of control if I have the possibility to run, go to the gym or just exercise in general. But with my current health being the way it is... I can't do anything.
I guess I have to explain the situation a bit... Much thanks to the penicillin I took for my throat I have now developed a cold, which I have mostly gotten over, but also a muscle inflammation in my right-side chest and back muscles. Which basically means that if I try to even lift anything which in any way activates those muscles it hurts... a lot. Can't even lift a package of milk at times.
This makes my only real release for this feeling gone. And thusly I now have to try to sleep whilst having a creature stirring inside my chest, keeping my mind focused and wandering. Feeling constantly trapped.
I have tried searching for the reason of these feelings, the source. But in vain I'm afraid. I can't find anything within me which would clearly be the reason for this.
Being home and feeling confused about everything here is the natural reason, but I've explored that, and that's not it.
It's deeper than that. I felt this way at times in Australia as well, and usually at those times I moved on onto a new place. Or was able to exercise to keep it at bay.
I don't know how to explain it otherwise that... it feels as if it's somehow connected to the very essence of my being.
It sounds strange and goofy when I say it.. but I can't explain it in any other way.
I hope I'll receive some sort of peace as I'm writing this, enough to fall asleep at least. But I doubt it, haha.
By the way. I really have to fix a category for 2010 -.-"