Posted by Jonte Thursday, September 30 2010 02:00:32
Hey all.. I'm back!
So, yeah, I've been hesitant to actually write anything over the time due to the fact that it seems that everytime I feel like writing is due to that I have something bugging me or that I'm feeling down. And since I don't really like sharing my feeling with people I've been avoiding to do it.
However, as cynical and ironic life is... what's the point of feeling bad if no'one knows about it, eh? So of course my mind craves for someone to care, although I don't want to tell them why and I don't want to bother them with it.
And thus we have a problem within ones own mind; In order to deal with the problem at hand one part of the mind craves to share of ones feelings and the other part craves to be strong and simply shut up and don't tell anyone about anything, because that's the strong way to do it.
But it seems as if, after 4 glasses of wine (a glass measuring up to 0.5 litres) my other half is winning ;)
And thusly I'm writing here.
First of all.. I want to say Thank you for being there when I deserved you the least. Thank you for not leaving me when I treated you like dirt.
Thank you for being you and giving me every reason to survive, and although it may not have been us you were always there.
I understand your reasons and I respect them. I just hope sometime, somewhere we'll meet again, and I get to hear what an awesome life you've had!
It's always sad to see someone you love and respect leave you. Although it's for the right reasons, it's not fun, and it's always hard. I don't talk easily and that's partially the reason why this blog was set up. For me to ventilate my thoughts since I can't talk to people. Thus, I just basically hope that no'one reads this blog at the same time that I wish that they do.
It's wonderful, that human hypocrisy; where you want attention, although at the same time wish it to be gone. But since you're here, let me tell you a tale...
... This tale begins of a man who set out on a wonderful journey. A journey which changed his whole life. It gave him different views and made him believe that any world he was placed in, he would survive. No matter what. Thanks to his friend and due to nature itself, he would survive.
Then this man came back home, he realised that with the systems carried out within his own country this man needed a job. And he managed to get himself one. However, soon after him coming back, he felt the urge to continue travelling, to visit the unknown and live life on the edge.
Although he got this job which he went to every day and worked hard for to do his best, his thoughts grew for the unknown and mystical world that lay beyond.
And he got answered! Not in the way he craved for though, but a world more vast and more magical than ever before spread out before him. And thus the world of Warhammer opened before him. He got asked for a job in one of their stores, being bored of his job at the moment and offered a higher wage, he accepted.
After the boy accepted, he realised how much he had left to swallow. But still he fought on, believing that he was right in his decision. He fought on to learn this massive amount of information and history that was spread out in front of him...
Although the boy tried hard, he got angry at himself for not learning quick enough, for not grasping the facts fast enough.
And although the boy tries hard... he's still got a lot to learn... a lot to experience... a lot to realize... before he becomes a man......
Posted by Jonte Saturday, June 05 2010 11:41:01
Lately I've been having dreams strange dreams, realistic dreams, horrifying dreams. Dreams basically. But over a pretty long period of time it'd seem that the dreams are all taking place in the same small mountain/valley town/village. It's rather peaceful and I can kinda place the architecture to be rather simple, but sort of modern. It's not in sweden, because they speak english.
Every time I return to this place it's for different reasons, or I just happen to be there (sadly I can't remember the full dream, nor the reason for me actually going there this time.)
It's not bothering me in the least to come back to that place when I dream, because it's a wonderful place. I just hope I can get to learn more about it. In this dream I took the train there.
If I remember, I'll try to draw some of the sceneries and architecture which is currently stuck in my mind, because it's a beautiful place!
Posted by Jonte Thursday, May 20 2010 00:18:03
Have you ever had a dream at night?
Have you ever woken up and thought that reality was the dream and that when you blink you'll come back to the dream?
Have you ever felt like there's not much point to anything?
Have you ever watch photos of something really good, and felt like you can just turn your head away from the picture and the scenery and people will be right there beside you?
... I guess I'm longing back. I have a really hard time watching photos and keeping in touch with the people whom I met. I'm trying to keep myself occupied with other things, just as not to think.
I get these strange sensations every once in a while that I'm currently living in a dream and my reality lies in me still backpacking and traveling around. And it's like a punch in the stomach when realization creeps up on you.
There's been a lot on my mind since I last time wrote.. I've actually been putting it off since I knew it'd turn into one of these... more depressing entries of mine which serves more for myself to get my thoughts and feelings out into written words rather than your enjoyment and I apolog.... No I don't apologize actually. Haha, It's your fault for reading it ;P
I've been.. strangely cynical lately. And I watch people as I go to work as objects. Soulless beings whom are nothing more than cogs in a machine that controls them.
I watch myself being torn apart, piece by piece, turning into one of these cogs myself. It feels as if I despise them, as I am beginning to despise myself for letting it happen.
I'm doing things so... sensibly. I'm looking at apartments, thinking and planning ahead. Making a budget, thinking about electricity and what bank is favorable for me... all these grown up things and a small voice inside of me is whispering desperately "You're tying yourself up to society! You're not going to be free again! You scheduled your summer vacation a month ago for fucks sake! You can't go out traveling for even 6 months even if you wanted to! You're stuck... you stupid son of a bitch..."
Even so... I am who I am. And even if I do become a cog in a wheel. I'll make damn sure that I'm keeping my edges rough and grow back together at every possible opportunity!
Posted by Jonte Sunday, March 14 2010 23:33:19
I find it very interesting how we humans function...
We read something in a book, on the Internet, the paper or watch it on TV and tell ourselves - or someone else for that matter, "That's so true! It's crazy that we're behaving in this way in our society."
And yet, when the situation arises for you, you haven't actually listened to a single word that been written, but acts in the exact same way that everybody else - whom you thought of being so stupid.
Which, in reality you only do to save yourself from the uncertainty and fear of handling something you're not certain the outcome for.
What is it today that we fear the most?
Terrorist attacks? Death? Rape? Spiders? Snakes? Poisoned water? The loss of a loved one?
No. I think our biggest fear is to be alone with ourselves.
Let that sink in for a second. Be alone with yourself.
Have you ever done it? Have you ever sat down, shut out all manner of communication with the outside world and had a conversation with yourself. Found out who you really are?
It's funny that. We look in the mirror countless times every day, but at times you can see it. There's someone looking back at you when you catch a glimpse into your own eyes. A being that you respect and fear, love and hate... You.
I have tried it at times. But I have barely scratched its surface. And this I've done out of necessity, not choice.
But still, I try to fill every second of my day with something to do. "The day must not go to waste!" I say. Realizing my lie even as I form it.
Reality is that I, just as many others, am afraid. Afraid to seize the time, effort and pain to realize the truth about myself.
Thusly I spend every waking moment bombarding myself with media in every form - Movies, Music, MSN, Youtube, Facebook, Gym, Running, Games, TV, Writing, Reading, Hanging out with friends, Shopping, Cleaning, Telephone, Working, etc, etc.
If you would write down all the things you do in a day I believe you'd be amazed what you can make up to avoid doing nothing at all...
Posted by Jonte Monday, March 08 2010 18:10:57
Today step one of my plan for world domination is finished and step two commences. I have acquired a job!
I was out last week handing CV's to different companies in Stockholm and stopped by the Telia store, where I asked to see the supervisor and was immediately asked if I wanted an interview right away. Which, of course, I accepted.
Today they called me and said I got the job and that I will start working tomorrow!
I'm really looking forward to this as I'm working out a bit too much for my own good now that I've been just walking around here at home.
Some routine and cash flow won't be something that'll hurt me at the moment. And, I'll get those bonuses they're offering as well. I need it.
Posted by Jonte Tuesday, February 23 2010 13:24:32
This morning I actually got up at a decent time! (around 7.30)
Mainly because it's snowing here and the trains are barely running and the buses are crap. So most people are actually trying to work from home just because the weather conditions make it hard to get anywhere.
Well.. not really the weather conditions, it's just that people here suck. When things get down to -15 they panic and everything fucks up.
So I had to get up, get dressed and drive, first my mom, to work. And then drive my dad to a place where he could grab a functioning train to get to his work :)
But I suggest we should have a Drive your parents to work day just to celebrate all the many times they've taken time and effort to drive us around when we are kids for all kinds of practices and stuff! ;P
Posted by Jonte Tuesday, February 23 2010 02:14:18
Once again, the sky has darkened and night has settled. And once again a feeling has crept up within me.
A feeling which gnaws at my very being... As if the very essence of my life is trapped within my ribcage and is trying for all it's worth to make its way out. And all I want to do is rip my chest open and scream it all out, release it and let it be free. Let me be free...
I can feel it now even as I'm writing, as if there is inside my chest which has a life of its own and all I can do is twist and turn in my bed. Hoping I'll finally fall asleep before I go insane.
Usually I can keep it in somewhat of control if I have the possibility to run, go to the gym or just exercise in general. But with my current health being the way it is... I can't do anything.
I guess I have to explain the situation a bit... Much thanks to the penicillin I took for my throat I have now developed a cold, which I have mostly gotten over, but also a muscle inflammation in my right-side chest and back muscles. Which basically means that if I try to even lift anything which in any way activates those muscles it hurts... a lot. Can't even lift a package of milk at times.
This makes my only real release for this feeling gone. And thusly I now have to try to sleep whilst having a creature stirring inside my chest, keeping my mind focused and wandering. Feeling constantly trapped.
I have tried searching for the reason of these feelings, the source. But in vain I'm afraid. I can't find anything within me which would clearly be the reason for this.
Being home and feeling confused about everything here is the natural reason, but I've explored that, and that's not it.
It's deeper than that. I felt this way at times in Australia as well, and usually at those times I moved on onto a new place. Or was able to exercise to keep it at bay.
I don't know how to explain it otherwise that... it feels as if it's somehow connected to the very essence of my being.
It sounds strange and goofy when I say it.. but I can't explain it in any other way.
I hope I'll receive some sort of peace as I'm writing this, enough to fall asleep at least. But I doubt it, haha.
By the way. I really have to fix a category for 2010 -.-"
Posted by Jonte Sunday, February 14 2010 23:11:13
Coming back home was quite the mission, to say the least.
The changes are incredible! I don't really know what to do, but basically. I'm trying just to get by, get a job and pay back my debts.
I'm getting a bit pissed off at the mentality here overall, or it's just me who's been living in a place where everyone's really helpful and friendly?
Suddenly, if you're sitting on the subway or bus and moving your head or drumming your hands on your legs in rhythm to the music you're listening to. They look at you like you belong in the nut house.
It's scary... Anyway. You'll probably hear a few more rants from me in the future.
It's really nice meeting all the friends and family again! Ebba (my niece) doesn't really want to let go of me. She's sooo cute!
And we had a guys night out (dinner at least), which was great! Had massive steaks at the Texas Longhorn. Was awesome. After that we went out to have a couple of beers and met up with more people. Really great to meet everyone again.
Now I'm looking forward to finishing my CV so that I can apply for a couple of jobs and kick some ass!