Life! The Universe! And Everything!

Life! The Universe! And Everything!

This blog is about....

My joys, my horrors, my life!
And don't forget;
**Every moment hesitated is a moment gone of life!**

Thoughts during cleaning

2008Posted by Jonte Thursday, November 27 2008 10:31:36
As ususal... you start to think about anything whilst cleaning the house, and since Advent is coming up real soon I've been Christmas cleaning!
It's going well and everything and I've already listened through most of our christmas songs just to get in the mood.

What struck me though... is that in Christianity, when you take your vows when you get married, you vow "... Until death do us part."
Christianity is a religion which belives in heaven. Would that mean that you're allowed to choose another wife or girlfriend when you get to heaven?
Or is such a relationship a sin in itself and doesn't occur in heaven?

But when an elder dies you often say "Well.. she's with grandpa now." But what if he's with someone else up there already?
Could get some rather awkward situations..

Well, think about it, and hit me with comments to get your thoughts on this matter.

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Time is forever moving on.

2008Posted by Jonte Friday, October 24 2008 00:06:08
I must say.. I'm rather ashamed that I have not written in this fine blogg for such a long time now.
But, as I often do. I tend to write when I'm feeling depressed and has nothing else to do.

Now... Time has kept on its course and doesn't stop just because you want to get off.
I'm moving on as well, trying and succeeding it'd seem! Or maybe it's just that time forcing me to move on in life.

The ordeal that I went through a while ago actually made me loose my job I belive.
You'd think that some people would allow you to be a bit "off" when something like that happens, but oh hell..

I was really happy of getting a job where I finally fit in and had a great time working with the people there. When I asked why I was forced to leave they just told me that I was "Too Serviceminded".
How the hell can you be Too serviceminded? While working at a gasstation...
I have no frikkin' clue as to that, and neither does any of my previous co-workers.

I've been getting better though, I'm currently unemployed, looking to be employed somewhere until January, and then I'll wave goodbye to Sweden and welcome the world.

I mean.. what do I have to loose, eh? I'm single, unemployed and doesn't have neither rents nor loans to pay. And then of course, we have the "Things-which-has-gone-straight-to-hell"-bar which's at its maximum limit.

Thus I'm going out backpacking for a couple of months, without any sort of specific plan and no'one to travel with (I haven't found anyone to be frank..).
I am hoping to meet someone on my travels though.

Very well. I guess I should be heading for bed, and keep getting mind-fucked throughout the night I presume...

P.S. I really do have to try to change the "Kategorier" here to something else than only 6 months.. Maybe years since I write so little..

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Truth Hurts

2008Posted by Jonte Tuesday, August 19 2008 17:49:22
I am afraid that this post will be one out of sadness, fear and love.
It is strange how often those three are combined to make a whole. Or rather, Love has it's grip in almost every scary and happy feeling there is.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I do love Her. It is beyond my vocabulary. Once that I had finally realized how much I actually did love Her. And the whole Her. Not just parts, and others who needed "Fixing", no.. the flaws is what makes Her whole, and it is what I love more deeply than life itself.

Lately I have felt an eeiry feeling in my gut, that something was not right with Her and me. I spoke to my most trusted friend about this, and told him that "I just hope that She won't find anyone she thinks i better than I am. That would be my worst nightmare come true."
And the same evening, I found out; not that She does not love me. Not that She has another lover.. But that She cannot be sure that She loves me or not.

This might not be much to some of you, but to me it's a blow I was not prepared for. Mearly two weeks earlier we celebrated 3 years...

I will not say that I'm a perfect boyfriend, I have my great flaws as well. Like being unsympathetic, a geek, has a hard time listening and doing something else at the same time, not very social and outgoing, much more prefering a calm night at home just the two of us than go out and hang at the club..
I have however joined to clubs more than once, and I try to become more social, as well as remove my unsympathetic and rather snobbish side.
I am also not good at getting hints. Not at all. Which I curse myself for every got damn day.

As I stated.. I am far from the perfect boyfriend. But I do believe that I have got some nice traits as well.
I am kind, romantic, caring, not too shabby-looking... well.. I hope someone else can fill this list better than I have.

I have been a lousy boyfriend to her though... I have treated her like crap at times, not wishing to see her, nor talk to her.. And not just once, but THRICE! But we always came to meet eachother again.. and our love blossomed again. She held fast that she wanted me, and my feeble mind slowly started to open itself up and realize that this before me, which I held in my arms and felt the sweet warmth of the lips from, were the woman of my dreams. The one who really did know who I were, who knew more about me than anyone else.

It'd been a rough journey to where we were.. when we finally got back together for what I thought was the last time.. I had finally landed upon safe ground. And now.. my ground is shook to its very core.

I do indeed deserve this fate, as you must see. Maybe I'm not worthy of her. But I intend to fight into the bitter end.
The evening she told me I could not sleep.. I went out for a walk and walked around for about 3 hours.. then returned inside and was finally able to rest somewhat until it was time for me to go to work.

Today... I've cried more than I can remember before. Just watching her photo reminds me so much of what I love about her, and what I just do not want to loose. What I cannot afford to loose.

I had hoped to move in together with her and together study and gain money. But I am afraid that she has met someone else, better than me...
Indeed.. I am afraid. Afraid that my beloved one has found another jewel, with more shine than I carry, to catch her attention.

We're standing at a crossroad my darling, but this time it's you who makes the decisions. I can mearly wait patiently and hope and wish that our lanes will once again go side by side down the same road..

The car I've been trying to repair so I could drive to her still won't make it through the check due to me fucking up... I've never done these kinds of things before, so I broke a small metal thingamajig, which means I have to either try to repair it, or get a new one..

I hope to have it finished soon though.. and that my loved one will allow me to visit Her.

I am going crazy without you darling, I can't focus on anything and my mind turns. I cannot enjoy myself with anything, only the fact that you might not want to be my girlfriend echoes inside my head. All the times you said you'd be forever mine calling back and forth. Those words are spoken in the time and feeling, I know. But I somehow belived them.
When you do think about this, try to remember all the fun times we've had.. the wonderful times, the romantic times.. The times when we were We and no longer You and Me..

I Love You Tina!
More than you can ever have imagined possible!

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2008Posted by Jonte Thursday, February 28 2008 12:17:39

Well, I had a rather large suprise this morning. As you know I was chosen to be a Confidential person of the plutoon, which means others can come to me if they have problems, as well as if they've got a problem with the commanding officers, they go through me.

Now, I've not been afraid to share the thoughts of the plutoon with the officers, and apparently they've had enough of me. So they stripped me of my title this morning.

They said that it was due to the "Officers nor the majority of the plutoon has no confidence for me." But The groups I've talked to hasn't even heard anything about any talk of removing me.
I think this was done due to personal reasons of yesterday amongst others, where I complained on the behalf of the groups that things had been handled badly since 3 people of a group was forced to be working during the weekend, which wasn't planned at all.

No'one thinks that our Plutoon Officer is doing a very good job with scheduals, etc. And I've never said it like that, but apparently he has a problem with me, as well as the other officers apparently has...

If they had removed me due to the fact that the Plutoon had no confidence in me, that'd be one thing. But to remove me due to they not liking what I have to say (which means what the plutoon has to say) is a total other... And a wrong one in my opinion.

I'll ask around more in the plutoon to see what they have to say and try to figure this out for sure.. It's VERY annoying. I feel hurt and dissapointed since no'one seems to understand what the heck the reason was.
It's like a splinter in your mind, gnawing at you and won't go away, and right now I need to concentrate on the Security Guard test I have tomorrow so I'll pass it...

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2008Posted by Jonte Wednesday, January 23 2008 23:29:43

Well, I'm still in my 18-days-of-duty-in-hell-house. And it's going rather ok.
I've been training in the gym every day, and we even got a 24 hour leave (which was extremly well spent from my part :D).

I'm actually very proud of me that I've been going to the gym every evening and working hard. Tonight for example I ran over 100 kilometers as warm-up :)
And then kept on with the regular schedual after that.

So right now.. I'm feeling goood and tired. Too bad I'm working the shifts from 12 to 3 (night and day), and we go up at 06.30 for breakfast. It suuucks :P

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Movie-night out and Society

2008Posted by Jonte Wednesday, January 16 2008 18:56:24

Last.. err.. Friday evening on the 11th january I was at the movies and saw National Treasure - The Book of Secrets with a friend, I must say the film was rather good. A sort of modern version of the good old Indiana Jones. But very much like the previous National Treasure otherwise.
Still, entertaining enough for me to give it the 5/10 stars!

While waiting on the subway my friend told me about a pair of Security Guards who'd beaten an elderly man in a nice suit bloody, saying that he'd been "Too drunk and unruly." The man was around 50-60 years old and on the picture he was lying down, leaning against the wall, wearing a very nice suit with white shirt and tie. All bloodied down and terribly beaten.

That's unfortunatley not an all too uncommon occurance in Sweden today. Security Guards behave worse and worse, beating up random people and humiliating them due to colour, age, sex, etc. It's mostly common racism.

The consequenses of these actions are often never thorougly investigated, nor are they given long sentances should they be convicted.. For beating someone half to death you might get about 2 years maybe?

Well, she told me about it, and she said.

"You can hardly have any respect for the law any longer when these things happens."

And my reply to it was "Well, who has any respect for the law now'a'days anyway? I sure as hell haven't had respect for them the last few years."
It's quite horrifying that it's come to this that practilly no'one has any respect for the law, actually very few have respect for anything really.

We began discussing the youths and different things we've heard, since my mother is working in a school I've heard some rather nasty things which happens there, and do keep in mind that this is no real "suburb"-grade-school. But one which is still pretty far out from the "real" suburbs.
Oh, I heard that the police made a "raid" in a 3rd grade school-class and found numerous knives, etc.

I mean.. seriously.. when you find lots of knives in a 3rd Grade class... something's very wrong. And this ain't 3rd grade of collage, or high-school. This is their 3rd total year in school.. they're 9 years old..

The disrespect for adults and for people and property in general is sickening. And what signals do the society send? Nothing better than what's already out there. Beating up innocent people just for the hell of it..

The subway came and we entered, continuing our discussion about how I belive that the real reason lies with the parents and lack of raising of the kids.
Too often do the parents turn a blind eye and belive that the society shall look after their kids, when they're out partying, entering sexual relationships, etc, etc.

I am especially disgusted by the way media, parents and especially youth-health-organisations treat the use, or rather misuse of alcohol amongst today's youth.
It's treated without any sense of logic, and although the knowledge that most youngsters today drink as early as the age of 13-14 no'one is trying to get to the source of the problem, but instead go for the "panic-attack" and tries to stop all consumtion of alcohol.

Going out with commercials like "This is what happens to your teenager when he/she goes to a party. If it's a boy he'll get so drunk he can't remember anything and get beaten up and robbed, then having to be driven to the hospital for de-poisoning. And if it's a girl she'll get too drunk to say no and get raped by 3 guys and never dare to tell anyone."

........What the fuck? I know that things happen, but why do they happen? Let me tell you why.. because those who drinks in that way are S.T.U.P.I.D!
And why are they stupid? Well my guess is that their parents haven't realised that their little angel of a son actually drinks and smokes and have been doing it for quite some time now, and he's no longer a virgin either.. although his parents doesn't know about that, of course not. They wouldn't understand and go into that "panic-attack" which is so very common.

Now.. I know I'm not a mega-partyer, but I've also been taught how to behave with alcohol. I also knows the effects of alcohol, both good ones and bad ones. Why? Because my parents have told me, and I have seen them as well.

Here are some rules / guidelines my parent have taught me ever since I first tasted alcohol at the age of 7.

Rule #1
Never drink too much around people you don't feel secure with.

Rule #2
Don't drink too much, find your limit and then stay there.

Rule #3
Never be afraid of calling or coming home, of either embaressment or fear. It's better to come home and not have the family worrying over me than not to come home at all due to fear from being yelled at.
If you've been drinking too much and you can't get home by your own you do deserve a scolding.

Rule #4
Always have SOMEONE you trust and give them your home-number, so if something happens, they know where to call, and tell them TO call if something does happen.

These are all very simple and sane logics, there's really nothing more to it for a healty way of drinking and partying.

As I said, these are guidelines, and I'm by no way a saint who's never been drinking too much, I've been faar too drunk many'a times, but I've taken my scoldings when I've deserved them and I'm getting no safe-haven just because I'm terribly hung-over. :)
Which is fully correct in my meaning.

My point with this being.. Parents should darn well take care and raise their own kids!

[Continuation following soon]

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D&D - Dreams and Duty

2008Posted by Jonte Thursday, January 03 2008 15:51:22

"Gentlemen! The threat is real and it exists! We are under constant surveillance by foreign nations who'd wish nothing more than to get their hands on our technology and secrets. We cannot give them the last peice of puzzle.

Gentlemen, it doesn't get any more real than this."

These are the words of one of my officers and cheif of surveillance in this base. Sadly I cannot tell you what we're doing here, since then I would break the contract I signed upon coming here. I may not utter any words of what sort of stuff we're doing in here, nor what's going on down in base, nor how the base looks like, I'm actually allowed to say very little sadly...

It's going rather well though, it's not really tough work, it's just boring at most times. I've been dreaming rather strangely while being here though...

One of the strange dreams I've had is one where I'm being chased by someone, I can't remember who, nor why. But I get to a extremly high cliff, and because I know it's a dream, I can jump down.
I've got some sort of mantle, and I control what's happening in a way, because I remember myself watching the city siluettes from high above, seeing the tiny roofs of the giant scrapes, and then I jump.

As I'm falling I'm thinking "And then it'd be cool if the wind caught the mantle and worked as a small glider." The wind caughts the cape and it slightly works as a glider.. As my mind goes back and forth the dream follows.
I suddenly land by a railroad, much quicker than I ought to, since the fall was rather long. And then I was woken up and had to go up.. So that's all I can remember.

I'm usually dreaming about falling though, the panic-feeling in the stomach, the hope that it is a dream so that I can wake up. The sometimes knowledge that it's a dream.. It's different from dream to dream, but it's mostly not very comfortable...

It's a shame I can't remember the other wierd dreams I've had here, but they were certernly wierd.

I'll try to report more in a few days or so. Getting a bit tired of being here. Luckily I brought my Xbox360 and we've got some games.. and alot of movies.. Otherwise this place would've been terribly boooring; Now it's just boooring. :P

Jonte out!

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